8 posts tagged “study”

I'm so frustrated with trying to learn online.  It is not something I respond to. I'm trying.  But I'm so totally demotivated when my lecturer doesn't give clear instructions of what is required, in what format, how large or small and then tells me afterwards that I've not generated it in the format required.  It's not the first time and with the same lecturer.  Frustrating as all hell.  I should be more motivated and more organised.  I'm going to take some time off to catch up. 

Well it's less than a week now until I move house.  The final inspection of my current place has come and gone and it's all been successful.  It's surreal that this time next week I'll be in my new place. I'm excited & nervous - I loathe moving.  The new place doesn't have a bath so I'll have to make the most of this one before I go.  It's going to be a sharp turnaround time for moving - the keys for this place are legally due at the same time the keys are due for the new place.  I've booked a removalist for Sat morning at 9:30am.  I'm PRAYING they show up on time - but removalists never do *BIG WINCE*

Angel-Weariness.  What to say.  I care about him, sometimes too much and my defensive walls feel like they're crumbling.  Spending time with him makes me feel good at the time but seems empty of any substance later but I don't have any time to meet anyone more real - real meaning more really 'there' rather than on a whim.  Sometimes I think he cares, other times I think he's a player.  Luckily it's never been an issue because he doesn't seek any kind of commitment beyond assuming we'll see each other once a week.  It's disappointing & hurtful that he doesn't show interest in my life beyond a certain level, (he's never once really asked me with great enthusiasm ANYTHING about the new place which is a pretty huge thing in my life).  But not too hurtful and certainly not surprising after 3 years.  He seems to see me as "his" somehow on some kind of comfort/taking for granted level but likes to chase when I back away.  It's nice for now but he doesn't own me - he could win my whole heart if he tried properly but he's never tried and not likely to (I wonder if hell is feeling frosty)  He'll quite possibly find that out the hard way that he doesn't own me.  Right now I'm off the whole thing all together.  If I'm lonely again I might weaken.  I hope not though - I'm not proud of the situation and I do NOT want to be a doormat. 

So, onto cheerier topics, I'm away from work for 2 weeks.  It took working til 7 at least 3 or more nights over last week but I got nearly everything together well enough for my boss to take over the reins and prearranged a heap.  I was also told, disappointingly enough for me anyway, "you'd best make sure not a THING is out of place or there'll be hell to pay when you get back" (in a nutshell slightly differently worded but that was the gist).  I worked my ASS off.  If it's not in order, tough.  Then it comes down to the amount of work.

I'm fighting a cold, first day of ...well let's just say a severely sore abdomen woke me up (sorry lads for the overshare and I'm keeping this anonymous) woo this week of packing boxes is going to be "schpecial" to be facetious. 

I'm happy though - stressed from house move, being behind in my online studies.. but I'm good. i need more of a social life back (and to meet NORMAL guys perhaps) but for the time being, house move, study, and family have ruled my life.   They are my own goals though.  

...I'm being a sook I know.  Great news first though.  I've found a place to live!  :)  It's large inside, has a large courtyard area for Max, in a complex which will not only accept cats but a lot of the people who live there are cat lovers.  The location is closer in to the city central (approx 10-15 min drive depending if its peak hour or not).  it needs work but it can be done. I'm praying this is a new start.  I've applied for a larger mortgage than what I need, so that I'll have extra to cover things I need to do to the place (new carpets, that kind of thing - there is currently nasty navy blue carpet in there which looks like it belongs on the floor of a recreational centre floor). It's in a lovely back street, quiet, front villa, quiet complex, close to cafe's and restaurants, close to a few pubs, a cheaper cab fare home if I go out in the city centre at all on a Friday night.  The place has potential.  And it has a brand new stove yay (I've been working with a dopey old stove for the past 2 years which is on its last legs). 

Meantime Angel sightings have been infrequent.  He's run cold the past week & a half or two.  It hurt a bit.  I put it down initially to him freaking out.  After a week it was a little less usual. When I didn't get a response to an excited sms saying I'd found a place, I was stung. 

By the end of the week though I'm getting an email asking when he can see me.  Imagine a very unimpressed face.  in the past he used to tell me how he'd miss me, and I'd believe him.  NOW when he says he's missed me, I feel like a PART of him has missed me, but it's not enough.  I need someone who can be there for me.  Someone who really CARES.  I think I've outgrown this quasi-relationship.  Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm hurt and for a while needed someone who really cared.  Someone who would be excited for me, who would want to know where it was, why I liked it and if I got a bargain.  Someone who might want to go for a cruise past the place with me.  To ask me when i'm moving in to the place, whether there were any conditions the sellers insisted on.  Someone who'd ask me about my rollercoaster ride at work (figuratively speaking).

The weather is foul outside (wind howling, spatters of rain slamming against the window) and I'm inside, having read a letter from a family friend who is acting as settlement agent, informing me that I have to come up with a cheque for approx $12k for stamp duty, in the next week or so!  EEK. I THINK I'll be able to get the bank that is doing my mortgage, to generate the cheque though but geez that was a nasty feeling reading that letter! That, and a girls night in on Sat night watching freaky movies where again it would've been nice to snuggle up to someone... meh I'm feeling a little needier than usual.  

Just when I think there's at least a minimum of a connection there and that he'll at least be there as a close caring friend he acts like he doesn't give a crap.  When I ask him about it he flippantly excuses it off as being busy, then tells me he's missed me and crassly asks me when we can rectify that.  His barriers are back up and I've got no patience or tolerance for it right now.  I need the guy who I thought was a close friend.  Instead I see the worst side of him, the callous side that really is all about his own needs and wants. 

Anyhoo there's my pout for the day.  ;) no use crying about it.  I'm just disappointed & disillusioned.  As pathetic as it is, it'd be so much easier to find prince charming in someone I sometimes like sometimes THINK I might love, someone I have that physical connection with, rather than considering being out there dating again.  It's just too damn hard. 

So, my sister, nephews, brother in law and mother have gone away for a trip to a lovely tropical island off the coast of Queensland Australia. 

I'm burying myself in house stuff, while knowing that my further studies at college pick up again soon this time online.  I'm going to try to focus more on some of my friendships that I've lost contact with a little lately.  

My list of excuses:

1. I had to re-do a 15 page written report on an industrial relations scenario as my lovely lecturer decided to be harsher on me than everyone else in my class!  I was procrastinating going near my computer putting off thinking about the huge task ahead of me.
2. Work - I've been so fried and down about my boss taking her lousy moods out on me and the people around me and mood swinging from someone who I really like and admire, to mainly nasty negative critical demotivating crud lately...  I've just been in a foul skulking mood.  I've been miserable enough this past week to hate the thought of getting up the next morning to go to work and dreading Monday mornings wondering what new little scheme she'll think up to criticise me for.  Oh and her goals for the upcoming year?  MASSIVE.  Given my current workload, they're just RIDICULOUS.  It's really getting to me.  I keep seeing the target of just getting through my current training and if nothing has changed in this area, I'm out of there.
3. Lovelife, nil.  Plenty of drooling drunken idiots .. (tales to follow in future posts) but nothing more genuine.  Angel turned Hunter still hangs around.
4. The neutral painting of the house continues... slowly around other priorities. 
5. I've tried to have a social life of late.  That's been interesting but uneventful.  I've had hmmm lemme count... 1, 2, 3, 4 indecent proposals, one invitation to dinner and serenaded from the door of a pub, and harboured a crush on a sweet but totally not interested coworker.

IN BREAKING NEWS...

1. I've yet to strangle my manager, but at each few unhelpful spiteful digs each day I swear her goose is cooked.
2. I passed the re-done industrial relations assignment and another one which was due at the same time.  One last assignment to go then a new phase of study (harder) commences.  Another 7-8 months though and I'll have the full qualification.
3. I've worked a total of hmm (counting again)... approx 6 hours overtime this past week or so, and got told STILL despite this, that an afternoon taken off yesterday to have a free secondhand aircon unit installed in my home, had to be used to work from home on something from my laptop rather than the afternoon just being taken off. 
4. So on that note, I have had airconditioning installed.  Just in time for the first real wintry weeks of the year... *snort*  now I just have to figure out how to get the reverse cycle part of it working so I can HEAT the place.  (oh, and forgive an Ozzie for laughing at this.. but one of our new starters who relocated from Canada, did not bring any kind of clothing other than short sleeved t shirts to live here for 4 years... she thought that we never get cold weather ...hee hee.  Maybe not as cold as they get it but I'm sure the minus 2 or so degrees celcius nights during winter will still be a bit brisk for her in a tshirt!

Yes you read correctly.  But it is not what you think.

Ironic really given I had a husband who was a little violent, but I never got one then (surprising), but I get one from my nephew.  Yes, my NEPHEW!

Nephew is into playing "cubbies under dining table using big blankets to close the room in and then wanting Auntie N under the blankies reading books" with me.  I did my little quirky "FI...FI...FO.....FUMMM  ...I smell the blood of a B... BUM!" before tickling him senseless (the Ticklemonster).  Well, Ticklemonster got CLOCKED when he squealed in the confined space, whipped his head back and WHOOMF .... RIGHT....INTO  .... MY .....EYE!

All afternoon my eye has been swelling up and black.  The day after Friday the 13th, and after a whole week of stress and bad luck.  But I still can't complain.. things could be far worse *touches wood supersticiously*

Oh and my lecturer read through the draft 6 pages of the 11 of my assignment which is due in one week.  Her response, was to tear it to pieces.  :(

Well, I'm going to have fun trying to explain this shiner (a totally black and purple puffy eye) to my new starters at Monday's orientation!  It'll be totally offputting to them.

The weekend was a funny one - I went out with TallFriend for "just one drink, her shout" at the local pub around the corner from my home in what I have to admit is a bit of a dodgy area. The pub went silent when we walked in. we were the only women in there under the age of 50 and definitely the only women without mullets.  *CRINGE*

We had our one quick drink, got a second, and went to play a game of pool (I've been by this stage rapidly realising that my good mate TallFriend was a reverse society snob.  She prefers her people to socialise with, as relaxed and as comfortable with their early 80's bogan roots as possible.  I went through my bogan phase just like a lot of people might have, but I outgrew mine.  I still like some of the music but I can't say I listen to it every day - my interests changed.  These days hearing some of it just reminds me of my late teens/early 20's and being married to a guy in the army.  A phase in my life and a learning curve.  Anyhow, I think TallFriend accused me of being a square. SO, I drank her under the table and fended off a 60-something greek man who was very sweet, very overkeen and oh-so rejected all night, named Albert.

The hangover for a bit on Saturday then the rest of the day hunting airconditioners, stoves and daydreaming over other electronica equipment.  Then Saturday night I babysat for JNL and her fiance.  Their little cutie was crying every few hours (unsettled - poor little bugger is teething), and my friends didn't get home til around 3am.  They offered for me to crash but I decided instead after one very wretchedly tacky nappy etc, I needed to go home, sleep in my own bed and fuss over max who curled up next to me.

Sunday I couldn't sleep in which drove me nuts.  I tried to focus on my assignment, but couldn't and instead got very zealously into vaxing the loungeroom, polishing all the timber furniture and doing the laundry & dishes.  The house sparkles but I've sat up tonight post-class to get some of my assignment done.  *wince* the kicker is I would've been doing the wrong stuff if I hadve started yesterday.  Yay for me. 

Well, bosslady is away this week and my life at work as we know it is making me melt.  :(  have a nice night.

Well, I'm registered for Technical College to do a Business Management Course part time in HR.  Work are possibly going to subsidise the course too - my manager has said she'll back an application, once I've successfully completed a unit (we have to apply on successful completion).

I'm looking forward to it but apprehensive too after all I haven't undertaken ongoing study in oh... 18 years!.  I'm chuffed though that it will give me more career certainty if things at my current work give me the whoops too much.  I'm getting mixed signals from my manager at the moment, she's forgetting what instructions she's given me in the past and then schizes when I follow them, telling me I should've done something different.  I point out the inconsistency as gently as I can but she just angrily sees it as me arguing with her so I'm buggered.  Otherwise, I like and respect her so I try to let it roll off me.

Hi guys sorry I went MIA.  My computer was giving me nasty blue screens, then it was off for repairs.. lots of blue words down this end and not many normal ones resulted.

So meantime in the land of moia..

1. Crush on Gilligan dissipated and all but gone.
2. Angel was contacting me a lot wanting to see me, asking for my advice on his career, LISTENED to that advice and we caught up purely as platonic friends. 
3. GF disappointed me by standing me up for New Year's Eve.  She's re-connected closely with her old posse crowd for the time being and so I'm old news.  I kind of knew it was coming, we're still friends, but I don't consider her a close friend any more.  She calls me when she needs someone to talk to about Scuba. (The posse not being very understanding & all... neither am I lately!)
4. I've been given a decent pay increase, woohoo.  It makes the recent nutty mood swings and occasionally accusatory rants from bosslady which have been more frequent, bearable.  Every time she cops it for not having done something or her manager comes down on her... I can almost count the seconds til I am being snapped at for wasting time or something.
5. I've been told if I want to get a new job that is coming up, rather than have someone else more senior appointed to work with me, I need to do some further study.  EEK.  Financially, timeways, stressways, eek.  On the other hand... COOOL!!
6. I have another work crush.  Hopefully this won't be a pattern though.  Another really sweet tall nice guy. Cute.. friendly, sociable, no weird awkwardness.  I enjoy talking to him.  But so far I think he'll just end up being yet another guy friend.  He's a father of 2 boys, one 6 one 12 and split up from his ex partner I'm getting the impression, about a year or so ago.  It's not fresh but not ancient history.  Danger Wil Robinson.. DANNNGERR.
7. Angel sms'd me again tonight, asking to catch up.  Unluckily for him I ran into him last Fri night, drunk.  After I refused to take him home and mother his poor drunken ass, he went over to a bunch of girls after he thought I'd left and was hassling them. I was standing there watching him and it hurt a little.  Especially given his friends had just finished putting two and two together from watching him being overly physically comfortable with me like I was his girlfriend who he could be completely goofy and comfortable with, and they'd been cracking jokes about me taking Angel home to tuck him into bed, take care of him and give him a vomit bucket (he'd been drinking since midday).  I took my cue to leave and headed to an entirely different pub, where I was hit on by a guy who I tried scaring off (unsuccessfully).  "Cowboy" took my card and was determined to call me again.  Nickname refers to his name but won't divulge any more.  He's a builder who has just relocated from Sydney to this state.  We'll see if it was anything more than random drunken randiness.
8. I've come across some random acts of kindness and just genuinely nice people which have amazed me and cheered me up on a flat week a few weeks ago.  Must post about it more later.
9. I've made some new friends through work.  Girlfriends.  Both very different.. again fuel for a later post.
10. Mental note to self: get a debate happening on lost and found cash.  Would YOU hand it in?  I was strapped, have lost cash myself and mentally written it off as "ah well whoever finds it will hopefully really need it as noone will hand it in and how could they prove it was theirs!?"  so when a friend and I found $50 lying on the ground outside an open air venue.  I'd been financially struggling and she paid for my ticket and I was feeling awkward and embarassed about it.  She handed me the cash and shrugged it off saying "well there is noone around who we could ask if they dropped it and if we did of course they'd say yes!".  So what is your take on it...?  I still feel a bit weird.