12 posts tagged “men who are bad for us”

Well he's finally TORN it.  He tried being all pally.  I nearly bought it.  Then he started trying to wheedle his way into coming over.  Then started sending cheeky suggestive emails.  This time around, he wasn't even charming he was just grubby and obvious.  So I bluntly told him I didn't want to see him.  Was happy to stay friends over email remotely but that's about it (I missed the real companionship, the chats & discussions we had had).  Well that's all well and truly killed.

Less than a week later, I'm getting a 3am sms from him "So, what's the plan? Are we shagging or not as got to decide. :)  Sorry just been able to read your message now.  Ax".  Umm... I hadn't SENT him any message and we hadn't spoken in nearly a week.  I responded "huh no we are not 'shagging' and there was no message".  Got response of "whoops, sent to wrong person :) " like it was some sort of laugh.  Less than a week after trying to get back into my knickers then that.  By this stage 3/4 awake and livid, I responded rather than with a tirade, with icy fury with "classy".  His response,"Well ok it was meant for you if it makes ou feel any better: as I miss your awesome body :) and all the rest hat goes with it babe :) AX"

Now some might take that as a compliment, I was just bloody furious and saw him as a manipulative liar and I was FURIOUS.  Upset, I felt suddenly like not 'special' to him in any way at all but one of a multitude, that he was a player all along, that he was playing games and I was stupid enough to swallow all the crap about us understanding each other, knowing each other like noone else does, but I was downright furious most of all. 

Being still half asleep I went back with "I don't know what to believe, but I'm sick of being hurt so please do not contact me any more".  And that was that right?  pfft, after 4 years, hell no.

So a weekend of hurt skulking around the house - pathetic I know but the one thing through the past 4 years that has been the hook was that there was something special some sort of special connection.  Really?  I don't believe that for an intant any more.  But I was shattered too.  I'd been in a bit of a stressful slump for about a week then this was a blow I didn't need even from a friend who I still trusted on some level to show respect based on thebond we had, from me being there for him when his dad died, for all the things we had been through as friends.  In hindsight what a crock.

I got an sms last night "hi stranger how are you? thought I'd say hi...  Ax"  My response was simple "do not contact me again, no idea what to make of Fri 3 am sms's but enough is enough".  So since then he thought it would be clever to b'cc me in on a totally crude email joke.  Again responded "please remove me from all contact lists" that was it. 

Angel...

Well, in a moment of weakness I might've accidentally copied him in on an email joke.  One of a multitude of people b'cc'd but it immediately got a response asking how I was, telling me he had seen me last week crossing the road (damn the work proximity), and that I looked fantastic and he thinks of me often.  Damn.  It was lovely to hear.  I'm not weakening I'm not.  It is impossible though to believe that missing his friendship isn't at some point tied into the rest... so I can't encourage it.  But damn it was good to hear from him and yes I responded via email in a friendly but not a flirty way.  Still I'm considering it falling off the wagon momentarily even though I didn't do anything other than chat over email in a sociable way. 

I was pathetically pleased to hear that his friend who seemed to actively meddle in our friendship in the past, seems to have lost his shine lately and the two have parted company.  It's mean as they were close but I also think this friend of his was using him up.  I've been careful not to share my opinion with Angel too much as I know eventually they'll mend bridges.  Good friends always do and I don't want to meddle. 

Interviews...

I'm waiting to hear about one of the 3 interviews I've been on a week or so ago apparently I'm shortlisted down to the last person.  The recruiter has also tried to ring me this afternoon (my mobile was switched to silent), so I'll keep my options open if it is another interview.  Fingers crossed.

Well it's less than a week now until I move house.  The final inspection of my current place has come and gone and it's all been successful.  It's surreal that this time next week I'll be in my new place. I'm excited & nervous - I loathe moving.  The new place doesn't have a bath so I'll have to make the most of this one before I go.  It's going to be a sharp turnaround time for moving - the keys for this place are legally due at the same time the keys are due for the new place.  I've booked a removalist for Sat morning at 9:30am.  I'm PRAYING they show up on time - but removalists never do *BIG WINCE*

Angel-Weariness.  What to say.  I care about him, sometimes too much and my defensive walls feel like they're crumbling.  Spending time with him makes me feel good at the time but seems empty of any substance later but I don't have any time to meet anyone more real - real meaning more really 'there' rather than on a whim.  Sometimes I think he cares, other times I think he's a player.  Luckily it's never been an issue because he doesn't seek any kind of commitment beyond assuming we'll see each other once a week.  It's disappointing & hurtful that he doesn't show interest in my life beyond a certain level, (he's never once really asked me with great enthusiasm ANYTHING about the new place which is a pretty huge thing in my life).  But not too hurtful and certainly not surprising after 3 years.  He seems to see me as "his" somehow on some kind of comfort/taking for granted level but likes to chase when I back away.  It's nice for now but he doesn't own me - he could win my whole heart if he tried properly but he's never tried and not likely to (I wonder if hell is feeling frosty)  He'll quite possibly find that out the hard way that he doesn't own me.  Right now I'm off the whole thing all together.  If I'm lonely again I might weaken.  I hope not though - I'm not proud of the situation and I do NOT want to be a doormat. 

So, onto cheerier topics, I'm away from work for 2 weeks.  It took working til 7 at least 3 or more nights over last week but I got nearly everything together well enough for my boss to take over the reins and prearranged a heap.  I was also told, disappointingly enough for me anyway, "you'd best make sure not a THING is out of place or there'll be hell to pay when you get back" (in a nutshell slightly differently worded but that was the gist).  I worked my ASS off.  If it's not in order, tough.  Then it comes down to the amount of work.

I'm fighting a cold, first day of ...well let's just say a severely sore abdomen woke me up (sorry lads for the overshare and I'm keeping this anonymous) woo this week of packing boxes is going to be "schpecial" to be facetious. 

I'm happy though - stressed from house move, being behind in my online studies.. but I'm good. i need more of a social life back (and to meet NORMAL guys perhaps) but for the time being, house move, study, and family have ruled my life.   They are my own goals though.  

Loving the new baner/template.  Funny .. what do you think my little word association thing was, for "The L Word".  ?  :)  You might not get it right necessarily as two came to mind.  Bit of a seesaw really.

And on that, I caught up with Angel Boy again on Thurs night.  Weak I know.  I missed him.  He told me he had missed me as well.  I just wanted some company but wasn't fooling myself into thinking he'd changed or would change.  He was quite keen to come window shopping with me while I looked at electrical goods.  I thought it was really amusing/quaint when he went to talk to the salesmen on my behalf trying to act like "The Man" and take charge (silly mental picture at this point of him in a cowboy hat chewing on straw saying let me take care of this litte missy which had me almost giggling to myself as these salesmen knew me pretty well from a lot of brow-beatings over the year).  Well, the salesman who started talking to us had seen me in there only about 4 days previous when Betty the laptop had gone bung for a little bit.  Whatever it was, mister salesman, while trying to wriggle out of honouring the warranty, triggered both my ire for a bit and something in the latop obviously got jostled enough for it to start working again.  Wahoo.  I thanked him, let us both out of that debate and sadly, went on to shop for laptop bags as I'd brought Betty in to them in a woven shopping bag.  Sadly, because one minute I was about to do battle, the next I'm spending more cash in the same store.  Pathetic.  But I got a lovely bag which I desperately needed.  Or so I'd convinced myself.  ;)

So to flash forward again to the Thursday night just gone, Angel is 'taking charge' like we're in a relationship and a certain part of me felt relieved to let someone else deal with the haggling.  I can be the woman of steel no bull gets past this girl type person when I have to be, but I don't want to HAVE to be that strong person 24/7.  It was nice.  Deadly in terms of confusing our own nonrelationship but seriously... I just went with the flow to enjoy the evening and give him a buzz.  I can be a bit too forthright with him sometimes and didn't want to add to that emasculation by getting peevish about something silly.  So I left him to haggle and wandered around to have a look at a few other things with the bemused salesman looking sideways from Angel to myself at times almost quizzically at times and when Angel wasn't looking I got a few smirks as if he knew exactly what I was doing by not doing anyhing. 

We did some further window shopping and then he decided he just HAD to buy the same bedsheets as me.  How bloody strange is all I can say. 

He swings between mister "I am an old fashioned guy who wants to take charge, help and be needed" to "I'm sorry, too much partying to do..who are you again?" ...

Thursday night Max is turning himself inside out rubbing himself all over Angel's legs, claiming Angel's laptop bag as his by rubbing his cheeks over it and generally welcoming Angel into the house.  Angel has seen Max almost at his worst back in the days when Max thought all humans were out to hurt him and so he wanted to mutillate them, so Angel was as surprised as me.  He gushed about how my cat must like him and insinuating that he was part of the family.  My guard was up, I was not going to play any stupid pretend for a night games especially anything that nuts. I've known the guy 3 years and he's called me his angel but never said the 3 little words, never included me in his social life and not really taken me out anywhere.  I'm fairly clear on where he is NOT coming from. But damn by the time he left much later, with a comfortable companionship vibe happening, playfullness.. it's still far too much of a trap unless it might actually go somewhere.  I'm probably going to end up freaking out and backing away from him again for a bit.  Oh and sure enough mister "I'll drunken sms Blondie to let her know I'm thinking of her even when out with the boys" has not been doing any of that for weeks now.  Including the whole weekend.  He's dropped back off the map again.  Just as well I don't NEED him around.

Oh and is it completely ironic that he was watching that crime tv show with Chris Noth on it, and commented on him being Mr Big.  Angel has an eery resemblance to Chris Noth and the ironcy of Chris's character on SATC wasn't lost on me.  And I don't believe in fairy tale endings.  I wish I could but I can't.   

...I'm being a sook I know.  Great news first though.  I've found a place to live!  :)  It's large inside, has a large courtyard area for Max, in a complex which will not only accept cats but a lot of the people who live there are cat lovers.  The location is closer in to the city central (approx 10-15 min drive depending if its peak hour or not).  it needs work but it can be done. I'm praying this is a new start.  I've applied for a larger mortgage than what I need, so that I'll have extra to cover things I need to do to the place (new carpets, that kind of thing - there is currently nasty navy blue carpet in there which looks like it belongs on the floor of a recreational centre floor). It's in a lovely back street, quiet, front villa, quiet complex, close to cafe's and restaurants, close to a few pubs, a cheaper cab fare home if I go out in the city centre at all on a Friday night.  The place has potential.  And it has a brand new stove yay (I've been working with a dopey old stove for the past 2 years which is on its last legs). 

Meantime Angel sightings have been infrequent.  He's run cold the past week & a half or two.  It hurt a bit.  I put it down initially to him freaking out.  After a week it was a little less usual. When I didn't get a response to an excited sms saying I'd found a place, I was stung. 

By the end of the week though I'm getting an email asking when he can see me.  Imagine a very unimpressed face.  in the past he used to tell me how he'd miss me, and I'd believe him.  NOW when he says he's missed me, I feel like a PART of him has missed me, but it's not enough.  I need someone who can be there for me.  Someone who really CARES.  I think I've outgrown this quasi-relationship.  Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm hurt and for a while needed someone who really cared.  Someone who would be excited for me, who would want to know where it was, why I liked it and if I got a bargain.  Someone who might want to go for a cruise past the place with me.  To ask me when i'm moving in to the place, whether there were any conditions the sellers insisted on.  Someone who'd ask me about my rollercoaster ride at work (figuratively speaking).

The weather is foul outside (wind howling, spatters of rain slamming against the window) and I'm inside, having read a letter from a family friend who is acting as settlement agent, informing me that I have to come up with a cheque for approx $12k for stamp duty, in the next week or so!  EEK. I THINK I'll be able to get the bank that is doing my mortgage, to generate the cheque though but geez that was a nasty feeling reading that letter! That, and a girls night in on Sat night watching freaky movies where again it would've been nice to snuggle up to someone... meh I'm feeling a little needier than usual.  

Just when I think there's at least a minimum of a connection there and that he'll at least be there as a close caring friend he acts like he doesn't give a crap.  When I ask him about it he flippantly excuses it off as being busy, then tells me he's missed me and crassly asks me when we can rectify that.  His barriers are back up and I've got no patience or tolerance for it right now.  I need the guy who I thought was a close friend.  Instead I see the worst side of him, the callous side that really is all about his own needs and wants. 

Anyhoo there's my pout for the day.  ;) no use crying about it.  I'm just disappointed & disillusioned.  As pathetic as it is, it'd be so much easier to find prince charming in someone I sometimes like sometimes THINK I might love, someone I have that physical connection with, rather than considering being out there dating again.  It's just too damn hard. 

So, my sister, nephews, brother in law and mother have gone away for a trip to a lovely tropical island off the coast of Queensland Australia. 

I'm burying myself in house stuff, while knowing that my further studies at college pick up again soon this time online.  I'm going to try to focus more on some of my friendships that I've lost contact with a little lately.  

Definitely pathetic... I heard a car pull up out at the front.  Probably someone turning around, or someone else wanting to rubber neck at the place for sale.  But occasionally I have a little mental fantasy that rather than just lazily sms'ing me with no intention of seeing me or making any effort, that Angel will show up just out of wanting to spend time with me.  mmm hopeless, hopeful, pathic..

:) that phrase makes me smile - an ex of mine, Salty, hopped up and down on the spot in frustration while I was reading a really good book back when we were living together and I was hooked in the book. 

It's a bit of a private mental sulk that I'd not mention to anyone except a smattering of galpals in person - whaddya HAVE TO DO to get a bit of attention from the opposite sex - slap a flouro sign to my forehead "pay attention to me!"? It'd just be nice to have some genuine attention which isn't glued to my chest (no I don't put the girls out on a shelf to advertise before you ask).

*shrugging* in reality - if we're going to be honest, how can anyone else find me attractive when I'm not thinking of myself as that attractive.  It's not like on the scales I've gained  heap of weight.  It's the squidgy edges that are getting to me but my own fault. 

Look as much as I complain and pout about what's making me low at the moment, I AM always mindful that my loved ones are all healthy and happy, I have my home, I have Max and I have people who care about me and a steady income (even if things suck there at the moment despite enjoying the type of work).  So I won't be going off and eating worms anytime soon. 

Oh - thought you guys would find this amusing - my sister and brother in law are talking about trying to set me up with a friend of theirs.  Not a good sign when my sister describes him as loaded, seriously loaded.  That's not my thing.  I'd rather hear about what sort of person he is and I HATE being set up... it's never ever worked for me before, I'm very doubtful of it ever working.

As much as I'd kill for some attention, I realised something about a week ago, like really realised it.  I don't think I WANT to be in a relationship.  There are aspects I miss, but I don't miss it - I'm happy by myself and it's less of a rollercoaster of the giddy highs and miserable lows - and I'm reliant on myself for my own happiness - I know I know, even with someone that this should be the case, but c'mon... giving someone else any influence over that... it's bad enough having friends and sometimes family letting me down without giving a guy that power.  Man-hater though? DEFINITELY NOT!  ;)

Ok so I love spending time with family, and out of some kind of sense of wanting to do the right thing I've invited all the family.  The family who NEVER converge on my place al at the same time.  The same family who are going to do exactly that, tomorrow at midday. 

Baby Brother (at tender age of 26), bub sis (with her two children), broinlaw (who lives in much more selubrious surroundings and my humble abode will feel much smaller with him in it), mum, dad, dad's second wife (baby brother's mother).  7 adults, 3 year old nephew and 6 week old nephew.  Oh boy.  In my 2 bedroom duplex.  Given it's due to rain on the day I'd planned to host a bbq.  aiiee!

Angel sms'd me on Friday to see what I was up to.  I responded.  Weak.  Pathetic.  I've missed him.  He's been emailing me swinging betwen chatty and aloof.  He tried quite hard it was sweet, on Thursday, saying "look I know what the answer will probably be, but I'll ask anyway if you'd like to come over and see my place sometime this weekend?"  I said no but he knows why.  :(  He's only asking as a friend & someone looking for convenient temporary affection.

SO I've done my homework, and my ultimate goal of a half ways decent place to buy for Max and I is a reality.  It almost cheered me up after an email from Angel (after a week of diffidence when I rejected an offer for a short visit...mhmm...no). 

The sheer insensitivity of it.  He was trying to cover himself as he knew a few people whom GF was sitting with at the pub last Friday (y'know.. the Friday we were all at peking duck and she'd piked as she had to work back *unimpressed face*).  He went up to chatter to a woman who I'll admit myself is strikingly wholesomely cute but tall and good looking.  I know her - she and I have been out drunkenly bonding before.  I really admire her.  Tall, slim bronze-limbed.  Your basic nightmare.  Well he's told me before he's worked with her before. Mhm.  But I had wondered when he hovered around to talk to her, whether there was something there but that night she told me that she was not interested in him in the SLIGHTEST and I drunkenly told her about my 'friendship' with him and how it confused me at times.

WELL, the email I got yesterday asked me if I still kept in contact with GF, and then went on to warn me that he had seen them on Fri night and that no doubt I'd get an earful.  I outright asked him over email if there was anything I should know which I'd prefer to hear from him rather than a smug GF.

Sure enough, he confesses that he was quite attracted to her back when he used to work with her.  Fair enough if he'd left it at that, I'd have been a little stung but happier that he'd been upfront. Instead he then went on about wanting to know if I had any gossip on her (grrr), whether she and I had talked about him and if so was it positive, and he then had the gall to twitter on to me about even IF she had felt any attraction for him how it would be difficult working in the same company, and how he's probably ruined his chances anyway and how he thinks she has a boyfriend and had the hide to ask me. 

I stood up for myself at this point and informed him he'd gone too far and I'd appreciate it if he didn't discuss her again with me because it was obvious he still had a very big thing for her and it stung given he apparently doesn't for me.  He then backpeddled saying he was only telling me to save me any grief from GF rubbing in my nose that he'd been talking with her.  I don't think I overreacted.  I felt pretty sick about it yesterday.  Of all people, one of GF's friends.  She'll just love that.  And has already told me that GoldenLimbed thinks of Angel as a past stalker.  Oh gee .. grreeaat.  :(  Pathetic as it was I actually felt low enough that I had a lump in my throat and had to have a bit of a bummed out skulk around the house last night.  I felt like I could've cried but the logical part of my mind kept saying "pfft is he WORTH tears? I mean, c'mon.. REALLY?"  He's been silent since I told him I wasn't so much jealous as hurt at him over-sharing to that degree.  I thought it was insensitive completely.

Needless to say, the "special friendship" is not feeling so special any more.  I really don't want to know him.  Part of me still pathetically wishes he'd come chasing to convince me that I've gotten it all wrong and he really feels... but that's just ridiculous after 3 years if it was going to happen it would've and to be honest I don't want him anyway as he has the social skills of a dead cactus.  But I'm still hurt/offended to be treated so out of hand like that.

It'll come as no surprise or shock really.  The turkey had the gall to email her to inform her that he had decided that they shouldn't make a go of it after all.  After they'd already started... erm... catching up.  Scumbag.  Over email no less.  Poor form.

What's the worst way you've been dumped?  At least I've never gotten a postit note I suppose..  (referring to SATC) but being told at 11pm at night after no prior communication that something was wrong, by my then defacto, that he didn't feel we should live together any more after he'd been a total jerk for a while has gotta be up there along with my 'first's' comment "I've tried to love you but I just can't"