5 posts tagged “lovelife”

Well it's less than a week now until I move house.  The final inspection of my current place has come and gone and it's all been successful.  It's surreal that this time next week I'll be in my new place. I'm excited & nervous - I loathe moving.  The new place doesn't have a bath so I'll have to make the most of this one before I go.  It's going to be a sharp turnaround time for moving - the keys for this place are legally due at the same time the keys are due for the new place.  I've booked a removalist for Sat morning at 9:30am.  I'm PRAYING they show up on time - but removalists never do *BIG WINCE*

Angel-Weariness.  What to say.  I care about him, sometimes too much and my defensive walls feel like they're crumbling.  Spending time with him makes me feel good at the time but seems empty of any substance later but I don't have any time to meet anyone more real - real meaning more really 'there' rather than on a whim.  Sometimes I think he cares, other times I think he's a player.  Luckily it's never been an issue because he doesn't seek any kind of commitment beyond assuming we'll see each other once a week.  It's disappointing & hurtful that he doesn't show interest in my life beyond a certain level, (he's never once really asked me with great enthusiasm ANYTHING about the new place which is a pretty huge thing in my life).  But not too hurtful and certainly not surprising after 3 years.  He seems to see me as "his" somehow on some kind of comfort/taking for granted level but likes to chase when I back away.  It's nice for now but he doesn't own me - he could win my whole heart if he tried properly but he's never tried and not likely to (I wonder if hell is feeling frosty)  He'll quite possibly find that out the hard way that he doesn't own me.  Right now I'm off the whole thing all together.  If I'm lonely again I might weaken.  I hope not though - I'm not proud of the situation and I do NOT want to be a doormat. 

So, onto cheerier topics, I'm away from work for 2 weeks.  It took working til 7 at least 3 or more nights over last week but I got nearly everything together well enough for my boss to take over the reins and prearranged a heap.  I was also told, disappointingly enough for me anyway, "you'd best make sure not a THING is out of place or there'll be hell to pay when you get back" (in a nutshell slightly differently worded but that was the gist).  I worked my ASS off.  If it's not in order, tough.  Then it comes down to the amount of work.

I'm fighting a cold, first day of ...well let's just say a severely sore abdomen woke me up (sorry lads for the overshare and I'm keeping this anonymous) woo this week of packing boxes is going to be "schpecial" to be facetious. 

I'm happy though - stressed from house move, being behind in my online studies.. but I'm good. i need more of a social life back (and to meet NORMAL guys perhaps) but for the time being, house move, study, and family have ruled my life.   They are my own goals though.  

Loving the new baner/template.  Funny .. what do you think my little word association thing was, for "The L Word".  ?  :)  You might not get it right necessarily as two came to mind.  Bit of a seesaw really.

And on that, I caught up with Angel Boy again on Thurs night.  Weak I know.  I missed him.  He told me he had missed me as well.  I just wanted some company but wasn't fooling myself into thinking he'd changed or would change.  He was quite keen to come window shopping with me while I looked at electrical goods.  I thought it was really amusing/quaint when he went to talk to the salesmen on my behalf trying to act like "The Man" and take charge (silly mental picture at this point of him in a cowboy hat chewing on straw saying let me take care of this litte missy which had me almost giggling to myself as these salesmen knew me pretty well from a lot of brow-beatings over the year).  Well, the salesman who started talking to us had seen me in there only about 4 days previous when Betty the laptop had gone bung for a little bit.  Whatever it was, mister salesman, while trying to wriggle out of honouring the warranty, triggered both my ire for a bit and something in the latop obviously got jostled enough for it to start working again.  Wahoo.  I thanked him, let us both out of that debate and sadly, went on to shop for laptop bags as I'd brought Betty in to them in a woven shopping bag.  Sadly, because one minute I was about to do battle, the next I'm spending more cash in the same store.  Pathetic.  But I got a lovely bag which I desperately needed.  Or so I'd convinced myself.  ;)

So to flash forward again to the Thursday night just gone, Angel is 'taking charge' like we're in a relationship and a certain part of me felt relieved to let someone else deal with the haggling.  I can be the woman of steel no bull gets past this girl type person when I have to be, but I don't want to HAVE to be that strong person 24/7.  It was nice.  Deadly in terms of confusing our own nonrelationship but seriously... I just went with the flow to enjoy the evening and give him a buzz.  I can be a bit too forthright with him sometimes and didn't want to add to that emasculation by getting peevish about something silly.  So I left him to haggle and wandered around to have a look at a few other things with the bemused salesman looking sideways from Angel to myself at times almost quizzically at times and when Angel wasn't looking I got a few smirks as if he knew exactly what I was doing by not doing anyhing. 

We did some further window shopping and then he decided he just HAD to buy the same bedsheets as me.  How bloody strange is all I can say. 

He swings between mister "I am an old fashioned guy who wants to take charge, help and be needed" to "I'm sorry, too much partying to do..who are you again?" ...

Thursday night Max is turning himself inside out rubbing himself all over Angel's legs, claiming Angel's laptop bag as his by rubbing his cheeks over it and generally welcoming Angel into the house.  Angel has seen Max almost at his worst back in the days when Max thought all humans were out to hurt him and so he wanted to mutillate them, so Angel was as surprised as me.  He gushed about how my cat must like him and insinuating that he was part of the family.  My guard was up, I was not going to play any stupid pretend for a night games especially anything that nuts. I've known the guy 3 years and he's called me his angel but never said the 3 little words, never included me in his social life and not really taken me out anywhere.  I'm fairly clear on where he is NOT coming from. But damn by the time he left much later, with a comfortable companionship vibe happening, playfullness.. it's still far too much of a trap unless it might actually go somewhere.  I'm probably going to end up freaking out and backing away from him again for a bit.  Oh and sure enough mister "I'll drunken sms Blondie to let her know I'm thinking of her even when out with the boys" has not been doing any of that for weeks now.  Including the whole weekend.  He's dropped back off the map again.  Just as well I don't NEED him around.

Oh and is it completely ironic that he was watching that crime tv show with Chris Noth on it, and commented on him being Mr Big.  Angel has an eery resemblance to Chris Noth and the ironcy of Chris's character on SATC wasn't lost on me.  And I don't believe in fairy tale endings.  I wish I could but I can't.   

Ok so I love spending time with family, and out of some kind of sense of wanting to do the right thing I've invited all the family.  The family who NEVER converge on my place al at the same time.  The same family who are going to do exactly that, tomorrow at midday. 

Baby Brother (at tender age of 26), bub sis (with her two children), broinlaw (who lives in much more selubrious surroundings and my humble abode will feel much smaller with him in it), mum, dad, dad's second wife (baby brother's mother).  7 adults, 3 year old nephew and 6 week old nephew.  Oh boy.  In my 2 bedroom duplex.  Given it's due to rain on the day I'd planned to host a bbq.  aiiee!

Angel sms'd me on Friday to see what I was up to.  I responded.  Weak.  Pathetic.  I've missed him.  He's been emailing me swinging betwen chatty and aloof.  He tried quite hard it was sweet, on Thursday, saying "look I know what the answer will probably be, but I'll ask anyway if you'd like to come over and see my place sometime this weekend?"  I said no but he knows why.  :(  He's only asking as a friend & someone looking for convenient temporary affection.

Something I remembered yesterday and thought you guys would either laugh at my silliness or start to wonder just like I do, whether I'm jinxed.

How to put it into perspective.. I'll do a list in chronological order... see if you guys see a pattern in my lovelife so far.. said with amusement at myself, and it'll explain why anyone who I first meet who has major issues in their life at the time, will probably find a bargepole between us first..

1. The First ... in a few things.  Well he's about the only one who doesn't fit the pattern but for the hell of it I'll give a quick description.  A good looking still socially awkward, little weasel.  The whole time, his little brother was tapping on his bedroom door demanding to be let in.  No class, no skill for that matter.  He dumped me cruelly after getting what he wanted, with some speech about how he'd tried to love me but couldn't (later, I laugh to myself thinking "he was telling the truth in ways he didn't know at the time")  I outgrew him by the time he came crawling back and I ended up just laughing at the concept of him trying to come back into my life.
2. Ok.. so the pattern starts but doesn't fully develop.  My ex husband.  When we first met, a tall strong virile guy which a cheeky grin, and completely attentive.  I later found out his father had only recently gone to jail for some of the things that he had done, which the Ex was extremely messed up about.  The full story was never told to me until after the divorce papers were sorted out, and then I heard it from his sister.  Just after we started seeing each other, he was sacked while on workers compensation leave (injury on the job), and I supported him for a while financially (I was all of 17 and in love).  He joined the army, and we tried living happily ever after and almost managed it, except for my own young insecurities, not handling being away from friends and family too well (we had to relocate to the other side of the country at the tender age of 18 and 23), his inability to stay away from screwing up his finances and getting into debt despite my attempts to fix things and consolidate, and last but not least, his past issues. I should've guessed - anyone who had to hop into the shower IMMEDIATELY after sex each time and scrub himself down... I didn't realise it extended as far as it did though.  At the time, he understood my reasons for wanting to leave home (similar but not nearly as severe as his problems) and was my big protector.  There were some really happy memories there despite whatever problems there were.  The rest is a story for another time.  Again though, I think I've outgrown him these days.  But after I left, I cried myself to sleep for months and did a convincing impression of someone who was almost an alcoholic for a year and a half/two years. The phrase "til death do you part" bugged me a little.
3. Next LONG TERM relationship wasn't for about another 5 years or so.  A guy I met through work, shy, just broken up from his fiance', we started joking around (me trying to tease him into cheering up a little) and we caught up a few tmes for coffee and found that we could sit and chat for hours.  I later found he's quite good at doing that with lots of female friends and it meant nothing at that stage to him.  We did umm.. end up after a particularly late night playing chess,drinking red wine and chatting til 2am, sleeping together though.  Soon after, I had a dream that he was going to die in a car accident and it was that real, that I begged him not to drive in his job at all that day and to find an excuse to stay in the office.  He rolled his eyes at me but assured me that he had no plans to be out and about in the countryside in his work vehicle anyway so it was easy for him to keep me happy.  That night, his brother who was the spitting image of him only shorter and broader, was in a motorbike accident and was killed.  The next two or so years, we got more serious but I went through hell while he did. I was there for him, and he was no picnic but I adored him.  Too much.  I was far more attached than vice versa.  I think I was a friend who he cared about a lot, but a lot of it was feeling like he owed me something for being there for him (said in hindsight).  That one ended badly and took a long time to completely end.  There was a physical addiction between us that took a while to end.
4. Angel - not a relationship - I'm not foolish enough to tell myself it ever has been.  We started seeing each other, and he comes out with this tale of woe about his ex defacto who cheated on him and left him after living together with her son, for about 2 or so years and how he's not ready for a relationship.  I told him I was happy to be his platonic friend but that I didn't want to be earbashed about her (salt in the wound etc).  So friends it was, then a month or so later...well... there was definitely spark there that's all I'll say.  A month or so after that, he gets a call.  His father fainted one night and he was taken in for xrays the next day.  They found a shadow on his lung that extended all the way through to his kidneys.  Angel rushed to be with his father and mother who lived 4 hours away.  His father was put into a hospice within the week and died within two weeks.  Cancer.  I was with him through it - it was me that he turned to (me and his friend, Wifey).  I would get calls or sms's at all sorts of odd hours.  Croaking phone calls absolutely horrified and in disbelief telling me what he was going through.  When he came back, I got a drunken phone call that night after he'd been out boozing with his friends all night drowning his sorrows.  I picked him up, gave him a lift home to get him home safe, and stayed the night with him holding him while his tears ran hotly down his face and over my shoulder.  I cared more than I shouldve and really wasn't happy to be in the situation but wouldn't turn my back on him either.  Once or twice a week, it was similar for a while then I started to push back and tell him to get a cab home unless I was really truly worried about the state that he was in.  We didn't just catch up under those circumstances and sometimes after seeing him 3times in one week, it was a little hard not to be getting more attached than I should've been.  Then, one day I got wind that he had been seen out with someone else.  I was furious, hurt (understatement) offended, betrayed.  But he'd never actually given me anything to believe that we were in a relationship and the last thing I wanted was for someone to feel they should be with me out of any kind of guilt or IOU so I backed away didn't speak to him for a while and I've kept a whole heap of distance there since.. and rightly so, as I sometimes I get the impression from him that I'm not his idea of "perfect" and that messes with my self confidence.  We are friends.  He still tries to flirt but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and at least he didn't just end up living with me because I was there for him - I wouldn't have allowed that anyway after my last experience.  He's still made me cry, though he's never seen it and I would never have let him.  Not for over a year or so though.
5. Chunky.. nicknamed that way for some long forgotten joke when he was younger in his family.  I met him about the time that Angel was trying gingerly to try to rebuild bridges with me after I found out about another woman.  I'd run into him in town (Angel) with two women at some pub while I was out with GF, and he was leaving the pub with them looking awkward after he waved a sheepish hello at me.  That night, out with GF, I said hello to an old guy friend of hers whom she'd told me emphatically she'd NEVER been with or had any inclination.  I'd met him once or twice before but we'd never had a chance to really talk but had kept staring at each other... something undefinable.  That night, we tiptoed around each other a little, flirting, chatting.. eventually at around 4am rather drunk, as GF described it, he launched himself at me.  Damn, all I can say is he is a really good kisser.  REALLY  GOOD.  GF meanwhile was mucking around with a guyfriend of hers who is married.  I stay out of those issues with her but she knows my thoughts where it comes to me personally (I'm against it).  Anyway, with GF immersed with her MarriedMan, my option to crash at her place that night was gone and Chunky was only too concilliatry about offering a place to stay - when I told him bluntly I wasn't going to sleep with him he was understanding and swore he'd behave.  Damn, Bailey's drenched kisses.  They're good.  About a week later, still seeing each other and he meets some girl who he used to know and sleeps with her then can't make up his mind between us.  I heard via GF who told me so I made up his mind for him, despite him still very obviously being attracted to me and following me around at a friend's bbq.  Around that time, his mother died of cancer. 
6. A guy around this time who I met off an internet site, chattng over coffee getting along reasonably well, when he tells me his mother is dying of  cancer.  It might be wrong, but after going through similar twice and being chewed up in the process, I freaked and wiggled out of catching up ever again with the guy.

Let's hope I learn from it all. 

It's a giggle.  Well not really, but there is irony.  I'm getting emails from my aunty in Canada who I grew so close to while she visited, talking about a fireman she started dating before she left and how he's all wrong for her but refuses to let her go even though he's not emotionally available. 

Maybe it runs in the family.  Maybe it's because deep down we really do want to stay single?  I'm trying to break out of the habit, but Angel went and emailed me today after sms'ing me yesterday again asking if he could see me.  Part of me KNOWS the cycle, that he's just missing me as a gap filler in between other women and that hurts.  Part of me misses the closeness of being with someone and it seems like a good second option except it isnt in reality.  It would really help if I didn't get emails from him cheekily suggesting that I'd sleep better (I've been sleeping lousily) if I had the right company to snuggle up to for the night.  JEEZ  my mistake for once telling him that that is what I miss the most, or hang on, did I?  I actually think I've only ever confessed that on here and he does NOT have the location or ID of this blog (thank GOODNESS).

To add insult to injury, I was feeling GOOOD about myself today (I was wearing an outfit which I know flatters me, my hair freshly washed and falling in waves instead of going frizzy or that nonwash day hair thing that is lank ..long hair and the hassles of it... ) I was smelling good, and I was confident.  The weather was georgeous I was in a fairly decent mood, and I'd been getting a lot of attentive genuine-sounding friendship from Angel over email (ironically telling me that GF uses me up and I should blow her off as he figures she's using me... I've heard much the same from her on the topic of him *laughing*).  The sentiment was cute anyway.  I was having the whole internal debate with myself about NOT weakening to him meantime enjoying the breeze and sun on my freshly smooth-shaven legs (I don't wear skirts very often and as feeling fairly girly) and damn who walks up beside me while I'm ordering my lunch than Angel, looking as usual, GOOD...really good.  No fair.  He's even smiling his specially warm friendly smile. 

We talked briefly, walked together back towards work and then went our separate ways back to work with me knowing we were both wistful about being alone together.  I just wish some of that wistfulness on his part was more emotional about me rather than about his needs (emotional and physical).  SO not fair.  I got more chatty emails in the afternoon for a bit talking about how he wanted to see me and asking when we could catch up.  DANG. 

The thing is, if Gilligan was just a little more actively interested or making himself known, Angel would be that much easier to resist.  Let's face it, the cupboard is a bit bare and Angel is FAR from a last resort.