47 posts tagged “angel”

Well he's finally TORN it.  He tried being all pally.  I nearly bought it.  Then he started trying to wheedle his way into coming over.  Then started sending cheeky suggestive emails.  This time around, he wasn't even charming he was just grubby and obvious.  So I bluntly told him I didn't want to see him.  Was happy to stay friends over email remotely but that's about it (I missed the real companionship, the chats & discussions we had had).  Well that's all well and truly killed.

Less than a week later, I'm getting a 3am sms from him "So, what's the plan? Are we shagging or not as got to decide. :)  Sorry just been able to read your message now.  Ax".  Umm... I hadn't SENT him any message and we hadn't spoken in nearly a week.  I responded "huh no we are not 'shagging' and there was no message".  Got response of "whoops, sent to wrong person :) " like it was some sort of laugh.  Less than a week after trying to get back into my knickers then that.  By this stage 3/4 awake and livid, I responded rather than with a tirade, with icy fury with "classy".  His response,"Well ok it was meant for you if it makes ou feel any better: as I miss your awesome body :) and all the rest hat goes with it babe :) AX"

Now some might take that as a compliment, I was just bloody furious and saw him as a manipulative liar and I was FURIOUS.  Upset, I felt suddenly like not 'special' to him in any way at all but one of a multitude, that he was a player all along, that he was playing games and I was stupid enough to swallow all the crap about us understanding each other, knowing each other like noone else does, but I was downright furious most of all. 

Being still half asleep I went back with "I don't know what to believe, but I'm sick of being hurt so please do not contact me any more".  And that was that right?  pfft, after 4 years, hell no.

So a weekend of hurt skulking around the house - pathetic I know but the one thing through the past 4 years that has been the hook was that there was something special some sort of special connection.  Really?  I don't believe that for an intant any more.  But I was shattered too.  I'd been in a bit of a stressful slump for about a week then this was a blow I didn't need even from a friend who I still trusted on some level to show respect based on thebond we had, from me being there for him when his dad died, for all the things we had been through as friends.  In hindsight what a crock.

I got an sms last night "hi stranger how are you? thought I'd say hi...  Ax"  My response was simple "do not contact me again, no idea what to make of Fri 3 am sms's but enough is enough".  So since then he thought it would be clever to b'cc me in on a totally crude email joke.  Again responded "please remove me from all contact lists" that was it. 

Angel...

Well, in a moment of weakness I might've accidentally copied him in on an email joke.  One of a multitude of people b'cc'd but it immediately got a response asking how I was, telling me he had seen me last week crossing the road (damn the work proximity), and that I looked fantastic and he thinks of me often.  Damn.  It was lovely to hear.  I'm not weakening I'm not.  It is impossible though to believe that missing his friendship isn't at some point tied into the rest... so I can't encourage it.  But damn it was good to hear from him and yes I responded via email in a friendly but not a flirty way.  Still I'm considering it falling off the wagon momentarily even though I didn't do anything other than chat over email in a sociable way. 

I was pathetically pleased to hear that his friend who seemed to actively meddle in our friendship in the past, seems to have lost his shine lately and the two have parted company.  It's mean as they were close but I also think this friend of his was using him up.  I've been careful not to share my opinion with Angel too much as I know eventually they'll mend bridges.  Good friends always do and I don't want to meddle. 

Interviews...

I'm waiting to hear about one of the 3 interviews I've been on a week or so ago apparently I'm shortlisted down to the last person.  The recruiter has also tried to ring me this afternoon (my mobile was switched to silent), so I'll keep my options open if it is another interview.  Fingers crossed.

Well it's less than a week now until I move house.  The final inspection of my current place has come and gone and it's all been successful.  It's surreal that this time next week I'll be in my new place. I'm excited & nervous - I loathe moving.  The new place doesn't have a bath so I'll have to make the most of this one before I go.  It's going to be a sharp turnaround time for moving - the keys for this place are legally due at the same time the keys are due for the new place.  I've booked a removalist for Sat morning at 9:30am.  I'm PRAYING they show up on time - but removalists never do *BIG WINCE*

Angel-Weariness.  What to say.  I care about him, sometimes too much and my defensive walls feel like they're crumbling.  Spending time with him makes me feel good at the time but seems empty of any substance later but I don't have any time to meet anyone more real - real meaning more really 'there' rather than on a whim.  Sometimes I think he cares, other times I think he's a player.  Luckily it's never been an issue because he doesn't seek any kind of commitment beyond assuming we'll see each other once a week.  It's disappointing & hurtful that he doesn't show interest in my life beyond a certain level, (he's never once really asked me with great enthusiasm ANYTHING about the new place which is a pretty huge thing in my life).  But not too hurtful and certainly not surprising after 3 years.  He seems to see me as "his" somehow on some kind of comfort/taking for granted level but likes to chase when I back away.  It's nice for now but he doesn't own me - he could win my whole heart if he tried properly but he's never tried and not likely to (I wonder if hell is feeling frosty)  He'll quite possibly find that out the hard way that he doesn't own me.  Right now I'm off the whole thing all together.  If I'm lonely again I might weaken.  I hope not though - I'm not proud of the situation and I do NOT want to be a doormat. 

So, onto cheerier topics, I'm away from work for 2 weeks.  It took working til 7 at least 3 or more nights over last week but I got nearly everything together well enough for my boss to take over the reins and prearranged a heap.  I was also told, disappointingly enough for me anyway, "you'd best make sure not a THING is out of place or there'll be hell to pay when you get back" (in a nutshell slightly differently worded but that was the gist).  I worked my ASS off.  If it's not in order, tough.  Then it comes down to the amount of work.

I'm fighting a cold, first day of ...well let's just say a severely sore abdomen woke me up (sorry lads for the overshare and I'm keeping this anonymous) woo this week of packing boxes is going to be "schpecial" to be facetious. 

I'm happy though - stressed from house move, being behind in my online studies.. but I'm good. i need more of a social life back (and to meet NORMAL guys perhaps) but for the time being, house move, study, and family have ruled my life.   They are my own goals though.  

Loving the new baner/template.  Funny .. what do you think my little word association thing was, for "The L Word".  ?  :)  You might not get it right necessarily as two came to mind.  Bit of a seesaw really.

And on that, I caught up with Angel Boy again on Thurs night.  Weak I know.  I missed him.  He told me he had missed me as well.  I just wanted some company but wasn't fooling myself into thinking he'd changed or would change.  He was quite keen to come window shopping with me while I looked at electrical goods.  I thought it was really amusing/quaint when he went to talk to the salesmen on my behalf trying to act like "The Man" and take charge (silly mental picture at this point of him in a cowboy hat chewing on straw saying let me take care of this litte missy which had me almost giggling to myself as these salesmen knew me pretty well from a lot of brow-beatings over the year).  Well, the salesman who started talking to us had seen me in there only about 4 days previous when Betty the laptop had gone bung for a little bit.  Whatever it was, mister salesman, while trying to wriggle out of honouring the warranty, triggered both my ire for a bit and something in the latop obviously got jostled enough for it to start working again.  Wahoo.  I thanked him, let us both out of that debate and sadly, went on to shop for laptop bags as I'd brought Betty in to them in a woven shopping bag.  Sadly, because one minute I was about to do battle, the next I'm spending more cash in the same store.  Pathetic.  But I got a lovely bag which I desperately needed.  Or so I'd convinced myself.  ;)

So to flash forward again to the Thursday night just gone, Angel is 'taking charge' like we're in a relationship and a certain part of me felt relieved to let someone else deal with the haggling.  I can be the woman of steel no bull gets past this girl type person when I have to be, but I don't want to HAVE to be that strong person 24/7.  It was nice.  Deadly in terms of confusing our own nonrelationship but seriously... I just went with the flow to enjoy the evening and give him a buzz.  I can be a bit too forthright with him sometimes and didn't want to add to that emasculation by getting peevish about something silly.  So I left him to haggle and wandered around to have a look at a few other things with the bemused salesman looking sideways from Angel to myself at times almost quizzically at times and when Angel wasn't looking I got a few smirks as if he knew exactly what I was doing by not doing anyhing. 

We did some further window shopping and then he decided he just HAD to buy the same bedsheets as me.  How bloody strange is all I can say. 

He swings between mister "I am an old fashioned guy who wants to take charge, help and be needed" to "I'm sorry, too much partying to do..who are you again?" ...

Thursday night Max is turning himself inside out rubbing himself all over Angel's legs, claiming Angel's laptop bag as his by rubbing his cheeks over it and generally welcoming Angel into the house.  Angel has seen Max almost at his worst back in the days when Max thought all humans were out to hurt him and so he wanted to mutillate them, so Angel was as surprised as me.  He gushed about how my cat must like him and insinuating that he was part of the family.  My guard was up, I was not going to play any stupid pretend for a night games especially anything that nuts. I've known the guy 3 years and he's called me his angel but never said the 3 little words, never included me in his social life and not really taken me out anywhere.  I'm fairly clear on where he is NOT coming from. But damn by the time he left much later, with a comfortable companionship vibe happening, playfullness.. it's still far too much of a trap unless it might actually go somewhere.  I'm probably going to end up freaking out and backing away from him again for a bit.  Oh and sure enough mister "I'll drunken sms Blondie to let her know I'm thinking of her even when out with the boys" has not been doing any of that for weeks now.  Including the whole weekend.  He's dropped back off the map again.  Just as well I don't NEED him around.

Oh and is it completely ironic that he was watching that crime tv show with Chris Noth on it, and commented on him being Mr Big.  Angel has an eery resemblance to Chris Noth and the ironcy of Chris's character on SATC wasn't lost on me.  And I don't believe in fairy tale endings.  I wish I could but I can't.   

...I'm being a sook I know.  Great news first though.  I've found a place to live!  :)  It's large inside, has a large courtyard area for Max, in a complex which will not only accept cats but a lot of the people who live there are cat lovers.  The location is closer in to the city central (approx 10-15 min drive depending if its peak hour or not).  it needs work but it can be done. I'm praying this is a new start.  I've applied for a larger mortgage than what I need, so that I'll have extra to cover things I need to do to the place (new carpets, that kind of thing - there is currently nasty navy blue carpet in there which looks like it belongs on the floor of a recreational centre floor). It's in a lovely back street, quiet, front villa, quiet complex, close to cafe's and restaurants, close to a few pubs, a cheaper cab fare home if I go out in the city centre at all on a Friday night.  The place has potential.  And it has a brand new stove yay (I've been working with a dopey old stove for the past 2 years which is on its last legs). 

Meantime Angel sightings have been infrequent.  He's run cold the past week & a half or two.  It hurt a bit.  I put it down initially to him freaking out.  After a week it was a little less usual. When I didn't get a response to an excited sms saying I'd found a place, I was stung. 

By the end of the week though I'm getting an email asking when he can see me.  Imagine a very unimpressed face.  in the past he used to tell me how he'd miss me, and I'd believe him.  NOW when he says he's missed me, I feel like a PART of him has missed me, but it's not enough.  I need someone who can be there for me.  Someone who really CARES.  I think I've outgrown this quasi-relationship.  Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm hurt and for a while needed someone who really cared.  Someone who would be excited for me, who would want to know where it was, why I liked it and if I got a bargain.  Someone who might want to go for a cruise past the place with me.  To ask me when i'm moving in to the place, whether there were any conditions the sellers insisted on.  Someone who'd ask me about my rollercoaster ride at work (figuratively speaking).

The weather is foul outside (wind howling, spatters of rain slamming against the window) and I'm inside, having read a letter from a family friend who is acting as settlement agent, informing me that I have to come up with a cheque for approx $12k for stamp duty, in the next week or so!  EEK. I THINK I'll be able to get the bank that is doing my mortgage, to generate the cheque though but geez that was a nasty feeling reading that letter! That, and a girls night in on Sat night watching freaky movies where again it would've been nice to snuggle up to someone... meh I'm feeling a little needier than usual.  

Just when I think there's at least a minimum of a connection there and that he'll at least be there as a close caring friend he acts like he doesn't give a crap.  When I ask him about it he flippantly excuses it off as being busy, then tells me he's missed me and crassly asks me when we can rectify that.  His barriers are back up and I've got no patience or tolerance for it right now.  I need the guy who I thought was a close friend.  Instead I see the worst side of him, the callous side that really is all about his own needs and wants. 

Anyhoo there's my pout for the day.  ;) no use crying about it.  I'm just disappointed & disillusioned.  As pathetic as it is, it'd be so much easier to find prince charming in someone I sometimes like sometimes THINK I might love, someone I have that physical connection with, rather than considering being out there dating again.  It's just too damn hard. 

So, my sister, nephews, brother in law and mother have gone away for a trip to a lovely tropical island off the coast of Queensland Australia. 

I'm burying myself in house stuff, while knowing that my further studies at college pick up again soon this time online.  I'm going to try to focus more on some of my friendships that I've lost contact with a little lately.  

Woohoo I got a cash offer for $5k more than my minimum but subject to a 6 week settlement - aiee!  The little funky place so close in that I had my heart set on has gone dammit. So now I'm out madly house hunting.  If I don't find something I like though, I'll have to store my stuff in storage, and board max for a few weeks hopefully no more than 3 or 4 weeks.  *WINCE*

I don't want to rush into a place for the sake of it however.

Meantime (sorry guys who don't get the restricted posts as work ones I've taken to hiding and some work ones are combined updates - only neighbours can view those), Angel and I had been catching up at least once a week, getting along so well - no dramas no arguments, if there are any worries by either of us we talk it out, it's been too easy to fall into a very old trap of thinking that I really like spending time with this guy.  He's nice, comfortable to be with, damn sexy.. but a self confessed louse in the past.  :S  bugger.  And sure enough after catching up to spend the whole night together 3 or 4 times in the past 2.5/3 weeks, he seems to be starting to cool and starting his old habit of suggesting only catching up late at night.  If anything I'd want to progress towards catching up socially amongst friends but no chance at all of that.  Meh.  There is a lot that is good about him and we have a close friendship but I'm going to have to cool that connection if this is all that is on offer. 

It's been nice though as a not-relationship, to stave off loneliness, to receive enthusiastic appreciative attention.  But it's hardly a relationship and I know his signals well enough to know when his attention is waivering.  Stuff chasing him like some lovelorn puppy.  He's lucky to have me, I was lucky to have him too for a bit. 

But seriously to be kept at arm's length like a big secret, it can be fun sometimes but eventually it gets really old and tired and irritating.

GF has been friendly lately but also had a schiz turn at me calling me at work getting savage wanting to know what I've said to a male friend of hers.   I'm also always treated like a backup to another friend of hers which is nuts.  A childish part of me feels like I'm back in school with the stupid friend politics of that era, another part of me cannot be bothered with it all - I didn't go out with her and her cronies on Friday night as I was tired and freaked out after being completely screamed at over 2 days by a psycho boss - GF turned it around and into a "so what are you REALLY doing tonight?".  I didn't need the crap at the time.   

Definitely pathetic... I heard a car pull up out at the front.  Probably someone turning around, or someone else wanting to rubber neck at the place for sale.  But occasionally I have a little mental fantasy that rather than just lazily sms'ing me with no intention of seeing me or making any effort, that Angel will show up just out of wanting to spend time with me.  mmm hopeless, hopeful, pathic..

I bought some stunning new bedroom linnen a few weeks ago.  I told GF about it in a rare moment of trying to be nice/girly chatty with her again despite not trusting her any more these days.  She hurt me friend-ways to the point that I gave up our constant contact and distanced myself.  Then when she WAS calling me the only constant reliable thing I could predict is within the first 2 questions would be the inevitable "soo...HOW'S ANGEL?" or any variation thereof.  It killed the trust completely.

So I opened up finally a few weeks ago and told her some of the things going on in my life in a rare opening up window of relaxed chatter and re-live the old friendship for a bit and trying to recapture the old feeling of relaxed trust.  I told her about the new sexy linnen (scarlett & black feminine shiny & velvet in parts but still not over the top or tacky).  Her reaction?  "ha ha ha so it's kind of like 'if I built it, they will come!' " 

Initially I laughed at it, as we always used to laugh at ourselves.  It was funny especially given it's almost true at the moment.  But given she's had a mighter than thou, "Im going to surround myself with beautiful people these days" bend (seriously folks, a direct quote when we'd been distant..it insulted me and disgusted me in equal portions) .. well I was a bit sensitive to her real thoughts popping out and a little touchy still.

See, I KNOW her, it's one of her bug-bears about her personality, the fact that she'll pop out zingers which she actually means and she hates that, those moments of untimely truthfulness which dig her into a deep hole.  I'm probably being oversensitive but jeez it bugged me.  So ell me what a big baby I'm being.

I feel like I need a man not a mouse!  Angel was sweet but he's not the person who will ever really be THERE for me.  He's consumed with being there for himself.  I'd be thrilled to be proven wrong, but I'm thinking he's a mouse. 

A comment that will have feminiists out there gasping in horror.  "Sometimes, when I've had a particularly crappy week, I don't WANT to be so independant.  I hate having to be tough all the time". 

There, I said it and I wasn't struck by lightning.  I had such a lousy week last week.  I had a fellow staff member from another office in another state call me screaming and vile down the phone spitefully having a go at me about getting something done.  I'd only done what I'd been told to by my manager and I'd kept her in the loop the whole way along about where I was up to.  Not my fault.  Simple.  Well this woman from interstate got VILE and spoke down at me like I was some junior reporting to her (but no junior deserves the tone and overall demeanour I was copping down the phone).

I handled it calmly and professionally with a bit of bit-back frustration, kept her to the issue and we kept on point and dealt with the problem, after about 15 minutes of abuse which had me shaking at the end of it.  I was upset. I was proud of myself for handling it without biting back given she was getting so nasty, but it didn't take the bitter shock out of being spoken to like that.  I got emailed TallFriend telling her "fark going home and checking for my lecturer's review of my draft assignment, we're heading to the pub!".  I was upset, vulnerable and pathetically (very unprofessional career-womanlike I'm sure), and would've killed for a hug. 

I emailed Angel from work saying simply, "I'm heading to the pub after work, or I'm gonna punch something!" (my little toughie way of admitting I was upset, rather than telling him my lower lip was trying ever so hard to stop from wobbling).  I'll give him full credit, I got an instant response of "hey are you ok? what happened?"  so I told him and got an instant tirade of concerned fury on my behalf back over email which was really sweet.  Damn.  He's a friend, but then shows concern to that kind of level and I just wish he cared that bit more than he really does (being realistic).  He offered to sms me later to make sure I was ok, offering to pick me up after the pub (though I was still cynical about his motives for that). 

It's times like at that afternoon last week, where I really sookily wished there was someone in my life I could go home to for a hug, who could assure me that everything would be ok as it'd been a lousy week with my boss having a ratty go at me despite me working through a splitting migraine to get her monthly management reports done earlier in the week. 

I can be tough, but jeez I get sick of always having to BE tough.  Angel comments about how self sufficient I am in terms of doing things like painting around inside the house and minor things like that around the house.  I think he got a kick out of seeing my hot pink hammer. I mean, c'mon it had to be done really.  :)  for sheer giggle factor.

I worry that I keep that tough facade up too much from having to at work to make me less vulnerable, but also making me less human, less approachable and less fun to be around.  But just when I start to relax and socialise, I get my head totally blasted off my shoulders like last week.  By the end of last week, and another example of my boss switching messages on me to react to the latest manager-whine and I was feeling pretty damn disillusioned and fed up with my job, and on top of that to get the email ripping my DRAFT assigment to shreds, my motivation to continue study, to continue in the job were all out the window and I had a weekend of skulking, (by that stage nursing my black eye courtesy of Nephew!) procrastinating and generally asking myself if it was a job a) I was cut out for (doubting myself at the first study stumbling bock), b) that I WANTED if it was going to mean much more crap from my manager taking her moods out on me rather than defending me when I'm only following one set of her instructions.  I find myself disillusioned and getting surly and I have to mentally pull on the reins because I've started to fight back with my manager, when, when she's in a mood, just won't get me anywhere and angers her further.

*sigh* after working on the assignment, doing stuff to the house, pressure on me to work unpaid over time (which I've done happily in the past when I thought it would clear a momentary overload but the workload is now constantly too much for one person and I'm getting sick of it not only being taken for granted, but when I'm not working the hours through trying to get my assignment, housework etc done, I'm copping abuse for not getting as much done which infuriates me) well it's been a tough few weeks, and on top of it emotional pressure from a few friends who have been pouting on me because I don't dance to their tune (mind you, not much sympathy from the people I'm thinking of either or understanding), ick at times I feel like I am copping it from several directions at once. 

On good news, dad gave me some shares which apparently could shoot up to as much as $10k in the next 5 weeks!  He's however trying to warn me to keep hold of them as he thinks they'll go much further.  Aw c'mon... struggling homeowner doing it all by herself and ya want her to do WHAAA?  Dat just MEAN!  Sis and her hubbie are giving me their leather loungesuite soon (COOOLLL), and my brother in law is giving me a second hand aircon unit from his swanky danky inner city apartment which he's been using as an office, I've been sitting under the right apple tree for sure so life could be far worse in the scheme of things.

Angel plagued me all weekend perhaps sensing a chink in my armour, perhaps because we've been closer than ever this past week in sharing a few things bugging us, repeatedly attempting to get around me with the idea of a late night catch up.  But it just hurt/insulted me that rather than making arrangements to spend time with me, he simply wants to pop around for a little late night relief.  Excuse me if I don't find that flattering.  :(  especially given the sook mood I've been in this week (probably a good thing we didn't catch up as I've been too vulnerable anyway).  I'm sick of having to be tough though. Fri night I got a sobby phone call from TallFriend who had had a friend abuse her. Again I was the strong one cheering her up.  Noone has seen me cry, but damn it'd be nice just to even snuggle up into someone and feel the reassurance of a strong presence.  It's times like this I miss being in a relationship as pathetic as that is. 

As a friend of mine's been fond of quoting lately "take a good dose of 'toughen-up' and call me in the morning!"  :)