I'm soo unbelievably sick of receiving repeat propaganda in the mail from our 2 major warring political parties in the leadup to the federal election. Both trying to promise much the same things in a "yeah? yeah? well WE promise to do that too, an an an we'll even throw in a set of steak knives!"
I'd be much more impressed with the outfit who does a mailout, outlines their policies asks for any feedback, then in the bottom of the letter gives an undertaking to invest whatever advertising capital remains into charity or some public need rather than paper-bombing us! And they're all a bunch of hypocrites who promise the earth to get in then don't deliver or use what they do to try to distract from their own agendas.
Howard peeves me no end, his arrogance towards the media, his temper/haughty mightier than thou attitude and in an environment where so many in our state cannot afford to buy a home these days, he doesn't even KNOW how high the official interest rates have gone... that's about the main identifier between the two of them and what they promise.
Miss False, prior to a year ago, I'd seen her only twice. She had "transferred", dumping me after bonding with couple-friends of mine (far more convenient and appropriate for Miss False obviously)... Miss False I'll dub her because she strikes false to me at the moment, almost cold. So the two times I'd seen her twice in the past 2 nearly 3 years: Once babysitting for her while she was heavily pregnant so she and her hubby could go out for one last dinner before the second bub was born. She went into labour that very next morning/partially that evening when she got home but she thought it was indigestion. The next time I see her due to a series of things which stopped me from seeing her in hospital, was at Transfer Friend's girls' night to celebrate her birthday, about a year & a half later. I had rung her, sms'd her and emailed her and never got a response. That night, we got along well enough but I'd been hearing all night about how that 4some were constantly catching up, dinners etc. Nice. I'd not even gotten a CALL. Miss False gushes on about how we should catch up again blah blah. Obviously I was a little reserved but agreed we should catch up if nothing else for the sake of not being rude. The next morning at Transfer Friend's place, Miss False is as crook as a dog, throwing up constantly and can't drive the 45 minutes home in the wrong direction from my place. I still offered to drive her home. I drove her home, she settles into a bath without so much as a thank you and I waited an hour while her hubby rang a district nurse to check what medications she could take and still breastfeed her baby. More like an hour and a half. But I understood. It was my Sunday, I'd stayed the night at Transfer Friend's and was itching to head home for a shower and to change, it was about 1pm by this stage but I waited. Miss False's hubby needed me to drive him back up there to pick up their second car. I did it (another 45 min trip). Dropped him off after loaning him a cd, and headed for home (another 45 min trip). I got home around about 2:30/3pm and most of my weekend was gone. Well, I heard nothing from them since despite hearing yet more stories of the 4 of them all catching up for dinners, and bonding in all sorts of social situations. I was hurt, offended and angry. Not to mention I wanted my cd back and felt they should call me to initiate the return of it under the circumstances. NOTHING. Another year goes by and after hearing through friends how Miss False had sniped to everyone that I mustn't have time for her with being busy in my single life. I was starting to seethe a little. I see her at Transfer Friend's next girls' night. Uh huh. She pipes up just after walking in, acting defensive and saying a bit self consciously "oh hello stranger, long time no hear!" with a sarcastic edge. The rest of the girls there fell silent. I was trying to tell myself not to create a scene. But I did say in a rather lazy amused voice "that's funny, the last time I saw you was a year ago tomorrow, when I drove you home while you were sick remember? I haven't heard from you SINCE". That shut her up. Meantime Transfer Friend is gushing on about all their social catchups. Miss False gushes on about how we should catch up (surprise, it's the modus operandi). Nearly a year ago now. Nothing. So flash forward to this past week, sure I was furious when Miss False wants to try to meet with and bond with my sister after hearing through Transfer Friend that she had been invited to my sister's place for a girls' night. Didn't it strike her as odd that I'd not invited her, myself? No it shouldn't have done given we'd not been in contact and frankly I didn't want the friendship after all that muck under the bridge. She didn't even have the balls to call me to arrange an invite to my sister's place herself. Transfer Friend had commented to me in the past (which was really bitchy and I'd not bought into it myself) that Miss False is too impressed by shows of wealth and liked to bignote her friends with wealth and influence. So I'm seeing all kinds of reasons why after 3 years of silence she'd want to drag herself along to my sister's place, but none of those reasons anything to do with me or our now deflated friendship. I know I'm giving this all far too much thought, but when people act in such a disappointing way it really really bugs me. I used to think of Miss False and her husband as good friends. Not close but good friends. I've been invited to go to the next girls' party of Transfer Friend .. I'm thinking of finding a reason not to go and leave them to it rather than be tempted to call the other girl out if she tries to gush on again. It's just getting too uncomfortable any time she doesn't call a spade a spade - she should either let it go or put in the effort, she annoys me further even though I shrug it off as her feeling guilty. If she had just shrugged it off as us drifting apart fine. I'm lucky to have much more genuine friends in people like TallFriend, Transfer Friend herself, Copfriend and others. Once I've moved house I need to reconnect with everyone who I've not seen for a while and refresh connections with the people who I do care about. I've been feeling a bit isolated with house, work & study stuff and I'm sure the absence isn't appreciated by my friends. Chefgurl came to town about a week ago, she's doing well, broke up with the guy who she was more or less living with but is still running the business which they'd originally bought together. Country life suits her she seems so happy. Eyore is eyore in name only now since she met this great guy who worships her. They fight occasionally but who doesn't. She's now immersed in her relationship life and doesn't make the effort to call me back or keep in touch now as much, until they argue then I get the late night phone call. I'm hoping they come up for air once the honey moon period is over and I can see her more often. Im happy for them I just miss the friendship I've lost touch with since she dropped off the planet. I swing between occasionally getting disappointed by people and wondering if perhaps I'm doing something wrong in my friendships. I know i can get a bit hermit-like when I'm stressed, but it's only because I don't want to be a wet dishrag and pass on the 'joy'. I guess i can't be responsible for others' actions only my own and keep going on that basis. I know I sound a bit neurotic, but my friendships mean a lot to me. I see them as family and care about them. To be let down by them hurts. I just hope I don't let them down though - I try not to. Yep I am hearing myself, I need to get a life again. Once the house stuff is sorted and I've gotten a bit more ahead in my studies, give it the 2 weeks' hols and hopefully things will be on a more even keel. But the amount of my energy that my work takes out of my life at the moment is not healthy either. With 2 weeks hols, expect a much cheerier posting person. :) At least I hope so. Pics of the new place (which I'll warn you upfront, needs work) are to follow. Max won't know himself when he can go outside.
Well it's less than a week now until I move house. The final inspection of my current place has come and gone and it's all been successful. It's surreal that this time next week I'll be in my new place. I'm excited & nervous - I loathe moving. The new place doesn't have a bath so I'll have to make the most of this one before I go. It's going to be a sharp turnaround time for moving - the keys for this place are legally due at the same time the keys are due for the new place. I've booked a removalist for Sat morning at 9:30am. I'm PRAYING they show up on time - but removalists never do *BIG WINCE*
Angel-Weariness. What to say. I care about him, sometimes too much and my defensive walls feel like they're crumbling. Spending time with him makes me feel good at the time but seems empty of any substance later but I don't have any time to meet anyone more real - real meaning more really 'there' rather than on a whim. Sometimes I think he cares, other times I think he's a player. Luckily it's never been an issue because he doesn't seek any kind of commitment beyond assuming we'll see each other once a week. It's disappointing & hurtful that he doesn't show interest in my life beyond a certain level, (he's never once really asked me with great enthusiasm ANYTHING about the new place which is a pretty huge thing in my life). But not too hurtful and certainly not surprising after 3 years. He seems to see me as "his" somehow on some kind of comfort/taking for granted level but likes to chase when I back away. It's nice for now but he doesn't own me - he could win my whole heart if he tried properly but he's never tried and not likely to (I wonder if hell is feeling frosty) He'll quite possibly find that out the hard way that he doesn't own me. Right now I'm off the whole thing all together. If I'm lonely again I might weaken. I hope not though - I'm not proud of the situation and I do NOT want to be a doormat.
So, onto cheerier topics, I'm away from work for 2 weeks. It took working til 7 at least 3 or more nights over last week but I got nearly everything together well enough for my boss to take over the reins and prearranged a heap. I was also told, disappointingly enough for me anyway, "you'd best make sure not a THING is out of place or there'll be hell to pay when you get back" (in a nutshell slightly differently worded but that was the gist). I worked my ASS off. If it's not in order, tough. Then it comes down to the amount of work.
I'm fighting a cold, first day of ...well let's just say a severely sore abdomen woke me up (sorry lads for the overshare and I'm keeping this anonymous) woo this week of packing boxes is going to be "schpecial" to be facetious.
I'm happy though - stressed from house move, being behind in my online studies.. but I'm good. i need more of a social life back (and to meet NORMAL guys perhaps) but for the time being, house move, study, and family have ruled my life. They are my own goals though.
Loving the new baner/template. Funny .. what do you think my little word association thing was, for "The L Word". ? :) You might not get it right necessarily as two came to mind. Bit of a seesaw really.
And on that, I caught up with Angel Boy again on Thurs night. Weak I know. I missed him. He told me he had missed me as well. I just wanted some company but wasn't fooling myself into thinking he'd changed or would change. He was quite keen to come window shopping with me while I looked at electrical goods. I thought it was really amusing/quaint when he went to talk to the salesmen on my behalf trying to act like "The Man" and take charge (silly mental picture at this point of him in a cowboy hat chewing on straw saying let me take care of this litte missy which had me almost giggling to myself as these salesmen knew me pretty well from a lot of brow-beatings over the year). Well, the salesman who started talking to us had seen me in there only about 4 days previous when Betty the laptop had gone bung for a little bit. Whatever it was, mister salesman, while trying to wriggle out of honouring the warranty, triggered both my ire for a bit and something in the latop obviously got jostled enough for it to start working again. Wahoo. I thanked him, let us both out of that debate and sadly, went on to shop for laptop bags as I'd brought Betty in to them in a woven shopping bag. Sadly, because one minute I was about to do battle, the next I'm spending more cash in the same store. Pathetic. But I got a lovely bag which I desperately needed. Or so I'd convinced myself. ;)
So to flash forward again to the Thursday night just gone, Angel is 'taking charge' like we're in a relationship and a certain part of me felt relieved to let someone else deal with the haggling. I can be the woman of steel no bull gets past this girl type person when I have to be, but I don't want to HAVE to be that strong person 24/7. It was nice. Deadly in terms of confusing our own nonrelationship but seriously... I just went with the flow to enjoy the evening and give him a buzz. I can be a bit too forthright with him sometimes and didn't want to add to that emasculation by getting peevish about something silly. So I left him to haggle and wandered around to have a look at a few other things with the bemused salesman looking sideways from Angel to myself at times almost quizzically at times and when Angel wasn't looking I got a few smirks as if he knew exactly what I was doing by not doing anyhing.
We did some further window shopping and then he decided he just HAD to buy the same bedsheets as me. How bloody strange is all I can say.
He swings between mister "I am an old fashioned guy who wants to take charge, help and be needed" to "I'm sorry, too much partying to do..who are you again?" ...
Thursday night Max is turning himself inside out rubbing himself all over Angel's legs, claiming Angel's laptop bag as his by rubbing his cheeks over it and generally welcoming Angel into the house. Angel has seen Max almost at his worst back in the days when Max thought all humans were out to hurt him and so he wanted to mutillate them, so Angel was as surprised as me. He gushed about how my cat must like him and insinuating that he was part of the family. My guard was up, I was not going to play any stupid pretend for a night games especially anything that nuts. I've known the guy 3 years and he's called me his angel but never said the 3 little words, never included me in his social life and not really taken me out anywhere. I'm fairly clear on where he is NOT coming from. But damn by the time he left much later, with a comfortable companionship vibe happening, playfullness.. it's still far too much of a trap unless it might actually go somewhere. I'm probably going to end up freaking out and backing away from him again for a bit. Oh and sure enough mister "I'll drunken sms Blondie to let her know I'm thinking of her even when out with the boys" has not been doing any of that for weeks now. Including the whole weekend. He's dropped back off the map again. Just as well I don't NEED him around.
Oh and is it completely ironic that he was watching that crime tv show with Chris Noth on it, and commented on him being Mr Big. Angel has an eery resemblance to Chris Noth and the ironcy of Chris's character on SATC wasn't lost on me. And I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I wish I could but I can't.
I've been doing battle with telephone customer service staff lately. Firstly a bank employee gave me wrong information which lead to an embarassing inability to pay for my own damn groceries (I was so far in advance on my mortgage payments I cancelled the direct debit out of my account... so I was told...) then the telephone company who I pre-booked to switch my address over, inputted the details for a full month early, leaving my home phone and my internet cut off. All in one week.
Here are some of my thoughts on it all, written down while on hold with Australia's infamous "Telstra" telephone carrier on the types of Telephone 'Customer Service' people you'll encounter, while on the phone to a bank or utility of any kind:
- Don't Give a Damn - bored or defensive and aggressive, they don't want to help you and make no bones about it. Most common at Telstra in Australia - who are infamous for locating & hiring these tyes. Bored's will just about yawn in your ear, even be happy to chat down the phone if it's not about your problem, and tell you disinterestedly that you'll have to call back later or speak to someone else. The agro's of this group will be on the defensive after having someone who encountered a Bored beforescreaming at them in a previous call, and will be ready to jump down your throat for even sounding frustrated & frazzled, and again, will be quite happy to make the problem worse for you if they think it'll cheer themselves up.
- Getting Thru The Day - bored/agro but more concealed, want to coast through the day, keep the gibbering idiot down the phone happy/quiet but don't want to actually sort out the problem, that would mean actually being effective & following through. They will promise to get someone to get back to you, take all you details down and tell you at great length why you've gotten through to the wrong department but not actually make anything happen.
- Helpful But Misinformed - the most dangerous of the lot, you get off the phone happy thinking you've been adequately assisted and even helpfully, to only later discover later that they've given you totally dodgy information or worse still, processed your pre-planned house move of your phone line a month early or a month late!
- The Grail - someone who enjoys their job, that elusive prize that anyone searches for on their quest to reach a resolution to their problem. Someone who understands if the caller is calling about an issue , that they will be upset, but not at them personally, and try to resolve the issue so that it doesn't keep rippling on and causing further waves. They find the cause, follow through the call to the result and make the person on the other end of the phone dream about them being cloned and employed at phone companies, utilities and banks throughout the world. Their blood should be bottled!
...I'm being a sook I know. Great news first though. I've found a place to live! :) It's large inside, has a large courtyard area for Max, in a complex which will not only accept cats but a lot of the people who live there are cat lovers. The location is closer in to the city central (approx 10-15 min drive depending if its peak hour or not). it needs work but it can be done. I'm praying this is a new start. I've applied for a larger mortgage than what I need, so that I'll have extra to cover things I need to do to the place (new carpets, that kind of thing - there is currently nasty navy blue carpet in there which looks like it belongs on the floor of a recreational centre floor). It's in a lovely back street, quiet, front villa, quiet complex, close to cafe's and restaurants, close to a few pubs, a cheaper cab fare home if I go out in the city centre at all on a Friday night. The place has potential. And it has a brand new stove yay (I've been working with a dopey old stove for the past 2 years which is on its last legs).
Meantime Angel sightings have been infrequent. He's run cold the past week & a half or two. It hurt a bit. I put it down initially to him freaking out. After a week it was a little less usual. When I didn't get a response to an excited sms saying I'd found a place, I was stung.
By the end of the week though I'm getting an email asking when he can see me. Imagine a very unimpressed face. in the past he used to tell me how he'd miss me, and I'd believe him. NOW when he says he's missed me, I feel like a PART of him has missed me, but it's not enough. I need someone who can be there for me. Someone who really CARES. I think I've outgrown this quasi-relationship. Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm hurt and for a while needed someone who really cared. Someone who would be excited for me, who would want to know where it was, why I liked it and if I got a bargain. Someone who might want to go for a cruise past the place with me. To ask me when i'm moving in to the place, whether there were any conditions the sellers insisted on. Someone who'd ask me about my rollercoaster ride at work (figuratively speaking).
The weather is foul outside (wind howling, spatters of rain slamming against the window) and I'm inside, having read a letter from a family friend who is acting as settlement agent, informing me that I have to come up with a cheque for approx $12k for stamp duty, in the next week or so! EEK. I THINK I'll be able to get the bank that is doing my mortgage, to generate the cheque though but geez that was a nasty feeling reading that letter! That, and a girls night in on Sat night watching freaky movies where again it would've been nice to snuggle up to someone... meh I'm feeling a little needier than usual.
Just when I think there's at least a minimum of a connection there and that he'll at least be there as a close caring friend he acts like he doesn't give a crap. When I ask him about it he flippantly excuses it off as being busy, then tells me he's missed me and crassly asks me when we can rectify that. His barriers are back up and I've got no patience or tolerance for it right now. I need the guy who I thought was a close friend. Instead I see the worst side of him, the callous side that really is all about his own needs and wants.
Anyhoo there's my pout for the day. ;) no use crying about it. I'm just disappointed & disillusioned. As pathetic as it is, it'd be so much easier to find prince charming in someone I sometimes like sometimes THINK I might love, someone I have that physical connection with, rather than considering being out there dating again. It's just too damn hard.
So, my sister, nephews, brother in law and mother have gone away for a trip to a lovely tropical island off the coast of Queensland Australia.
I'm burying myself in house stuff, while knowing that my further studies at college pick up again soon this time online. I'm going to try to focus more on some of my friendships that I've lost contact with a little lately.
Ok the title was more to get your attention and to invite comments.
Example. JNL had me over for dinner on Sat night along with two of her other girlfriends. When one girlfriend was out of the room, JNL was sniping and rolling her eyes in disagreement with that friend's parenting methods. When the other girl left later, JNL was sniping to the former recipient about how this person's photos their wedding weren't good enough and that the recent departed person had been more concerned with her appearance than about taking the photos. mph
Also during the night JNL got a fair few jabs in at the latter recipient about things that were obviously peeving her. I'd not have put up with it.
I'm disappointed. JNL boasts about "giving good friendship" but to me that sort of thing isn't good friendship. Perhaps I don't gush and fuss s much as she puts on, with friends, but at least what people see and get is GENUINE. So where is the line between having a difference of opinion on things, and bitchiness really? The first recipient (the parent) did do a lot of things that to most people probably wouldn't agree with but I wouldn't see the necessity to discuss what I thought with people who know the person. jeez.
Between her and GF, I'm wondering if the common factor is me and I'm just not tolerant enough to people's foibles and I'm not exactly an angel myself.
So where do you draw the line on bad behaviour in friends? especially close ones or ones you've known for YEARS. ?
Woohoo I got a cash offer for $5k more than my minimum but subject to a 6 week settlement - aiee! The little funky place so close in that I had my heart set on has gone dammit. So now I'm out madly house hunting. If I don't find something I like though, I'll have to store my stuff in storage, and board max for a few weeks hopefully no more than 3 or 4 weeks. *WINCE*
I don't want to rush into a place for the sake of it however.
Meantime (sorry guys who don't get the restricted posts as work ones I've taken to hiding and some work ones are combined updates - only neighbours can view those), Angel and I had been catching up at least once a week, getting along so well - no dramas no arguments, if there are any worries by either of us we talk it out, it's been too easy to fall into a very old trap of thinking that I really like spending time with this guy. He's nice, comfortable to be with, damn sexy.. but a self confessed louse in the past. :S bugger. And sure enough after catching up to spend the whole night together 3 or 4 times in the past 2.5/3 weeks, he seems to be starting to cool and starting his old habit of suggesting only catching up late at night. If anything I'd want to progress towards catching up socially amongst friends but no chance at all of that. Meh. There is a lot that is good about him and we have a close friendship but I'm going to have to cool that connection if this is all that is on offer.
It's been nice though as a not-relationship, to stave off loneliness, to receive enthusiastic appreciative attention. But it's hardly a relationship and I know his signals well enough to know when his attention is waivering. Stuff chasing him like some lovelorn puppy. He's lucky to have me, I was lucky to have him too for a bit.
But seriously to be kept at arm's length like a big secret, it can be fun sometimes but eventually it gets really old and tired and irritating.
GF has been friendly lately but also had a schiz turn at me calling me at work getting savage wanting to know what I've said to a male friend of hers. I'm also always treated like a backup to another friend of hers which is nuts. A childish part of me feels like I'm back in school with the stupid friend politics of that era, another part of me cannot be bothered with it all - I didn't go out with her and her cronies on Friday night as I was tired and freaked out after being completely screamed at over 2 days by a psycho boss - GF turned it around and into a "so what are you REALLY doing tonight?". I didn't need the crap at the time.
Definitely pathetic... I heard a car pull up out at the front. Probably someone turning around, or someone else wanting to rubber neck at the place for sale. But occasionally I have a little mental fantasy that rather than just lazily sms'ing me with no intention of seeing me or making any effort, that Angel will show up just out of wanting to spend time with me. mmm hopeless, hopeful, pathic..
Don't spoilt it for me guys! If you know more than me, don't blab.
We just hit a rather nasty cliffhanger and they've of course left it to the next episode. Meredith flatlining after the ferry disaster. Hmph people who don't watch the show will be rolling their eyes, but c'mon, that was mean. They'll end the season there I think. Just to really bug us all!
